An Open Letter to my Ex-boyfriend

image.jpegDear You,

I hope you’re doing great now, cause I know that  you really did all the time.

This is simply to let you know that I would wish to thank you for every single thing that you’ve done for me and for yourself. You’ve done a prodigious job making me the worst version of myself when I am with you.

Just so you know,  I would just like, to be honest, as true as I can to let you know the things that you might miss out. You were my first love and the real love at first sight thing happened when I accidentally bumped into you on the road. Thank you for making me feel that way. I was very young at that time. Vulnerable and innocent. I thought to have you along made me feel like the novel of real life. I trusted you completely. Well, I believed in you. Despite warnings coming from your allies, I cut all of them doing my own stuff of pleasing you. Not even reaching one year in a relationship you  started cheating on me, proving me that you were a dirty playboy of the downtown, famous and known for your being good guy image. I feel obnoxious and dislike most of my day, trying to work on balancing studies and heartbreaks.

Crazy indeed I am, that after what you’ve done for me, I bought you a gift for your birthday.

Two years, three years for several more years and nothing have changed. You stay the same old you, playing around and flirting along beautiful girls round.

And I stayed faithful, loving you, begging you and doing everything to work things out between the two of us. I love you anyway.

There were times that even showed me how much you don’t care about what really I’ve been going through those tough days.

One, two, three and more girls come along, some are even my friends and best friends.Shame on you.

Just like an emotionally battered girlfriend, the cycle repeats . I’ll get angry, you’ll threaten me that you will let me go. And then I’ll beg for you. You will stay. You will then again do the same. And we will labor on that all over again. I traveled five hours every week just to be with you and hell with your manhood.Effort doesn’t even exert to your vocabulary. You’re complaining getting tired, but you do not even worked, not even have jobs. But it doesn’t matter anyway. You’re busy fooling some girls around.

Like everyone else says, it’s all my fault. I let it happen. Maybe, I should be the one to be blamed for this. I feel like dying for us. Hero and a helpless martyrdom.I can’t let it you go. I wanted to fight for us.

I desired to change everything about me just to fit with you.

I dreamed what you dreamed.

I want what you wanted.

I did everything to the limit just to make you loved me. But human I am, I shouldn’t realize that I’m doing too much, giving too much and yet nothing return back to me. I did all, whatever it takes just to make things better for us. Not realizing that our situation, it’s only me who were holding on.

I gave up, they say at some point I gave you the dosed of your own medicine when I cheated back on you. Some say I poisoned you. But nobody realized what you’ve done to me. We tried it all over again, but it seems no way to fix things out. Damage has been done. We are just trying to destroy each other.

Seven years ago, It was summer then, a friend of yours called me telling me the news. “You were getting married to a girl that you really love”. For a moment, I get numbed, but at the back of my mind, someone is whispering, go get up. Show the world that it’s not your lost.

Easier said than done anyway.

The process of moving on is really rough.

I fell into a wrong road so many times and I would like to slap you for those. My self-worth vanished and If I could only kick your face, I will.

I tried so hard to walk in life beheaded.  Piece by piece. Broken.

And now, I am here, with guts, I can tell now, that after several years, I don’t love you anymore. I don’t even angry you. No longer affected by your name nor your physical presence. Congratulations to me.

But one thing is definite, you never even bothered to ask for my forgiveness, not even once and I am not also sure if I can give you that this time, not even sooner time.

I also have two questions for you.

One, did you even loved me for real?

If yes, what kind of loving was that? Whatever is the answer, it doesn’t matter anyway. I just can’t help it but regrets those wasted time I spent. I prayed that you’ve changed for yourself cause I already did it for mine.

I am sorry for not loving myself enough during those days. I hope that you’ve learned your lessons cause I certainly  got mine.



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